Every year, on this special day, I will always dedicate a post to my mum on social media.
This year however, I wasn't able to do that genuinely.
Not because I don't love my mum anymore.
There were some realignments that I had to make in terms of our relationship to find our balance again.
When most people see me with my mum, they see us as a this loving, harmonious mother-daughter duo where I love my mum a lot and my mum is always supportive towards the things that I am doing.
But that's not always the case.
Since young, she's been this independent woman who was always working to save up for the rainy days.
I would wake to see that she has already left the house, and when I'm home - she would already be sleeping in her room.
We basically had close to zero interaction most days.
She's never the mum to fret over our breakfast, nor to breathe down our necks to check our timetable and made sure that we studied for our exams.
She's kinda more of like a ... freestyle mum.
But because she was really strict with us since young, we never really dared to step out of line too much and we grew up well.
Although sometimes I do love to test her limit a little too far.
This was us back in 2014.
Fresh from graduating from university and I was in my first job, and it was one of my toughest job yet.
This was the year when our relationship started getting better because you see... as a young, free spirited adult who thinks that no one loves her as much as her partner do, I was most of the time staying away from home and I hardly spend anytime with her.
When the separation happened between myself and my ex-bf in late 2013, I bowed my head down and went home to my mum. Without judgement and resentment, she welcomed me back home and told me it was the guy's loss that he did not manage to get hitch to an awesome daughter whom she has given birth to.
And if work was too hard for me, she's gonna allow me to leech on her till I find something suitable.
The rest was history.
I diverted all my attention to work and will always spend time with my mum whenever there's a public holiday or when I can take a breather from work.
We would take ur time on public transport to and fro places to enjoy a good meal or take a short walk around the mall.
And it's through all these bus rides and dinners that I got to know my mum a little more.
The strong, resilient woman who was always figuring out her way through life.
She was never the woman who loves taking selfies of pictures of herself.
So it was my mission and duty to make her take some.
I love her spontaneity. I love her patience. I love her adaptability to situation.
On days when she's still awake and I come home late from work, she would always ask me if I have had my meal. If I hadn't, she would always make me a bowl of pipping hot food, without fail.
Fun time didn't last. Work started getting more and more hectic as more responsibilities were added onto my role. We had lesser time to sit together for a proper meal and I only had time during public holidays to really spend time with her.
One fine day, I was served the opportunity to take up an overseas assignment role for Japan market - my dream market. Without hesitation, she encouraged me to take the role because according to her it was a good chance to go 看看世界 (take a look at the world).
Fast forward to September 2016, I was stationed for 3 months and I couldn't fly back home till the work on hand was done. I remember calling her and informing her about this and the first line she said was "你自己一个要小心咯" (you got to be careful since you are alone).
And i could hear her worry. But she's never the mum who will call her kids to check on how they are doing, remember?
So as and when, I'll call back home to report status with her while she shares with me what was happening in the market where she had her stall.
These 30 minutes calls are my energy booster; especially on days when it was a little tougher to be on my own.
Fortunately enough, they were being flown over by my GM to visit me while I was stationed alone for that period.
I remembered how I cried when I picked them up at the airport. That feeling of home was... real.
Of course, all these happened before her diagnosis of her tumour found in her nose, which was later confirmed as nose cancer Stage 4.
It took us 2 full years to really recover from the treatments and side effects.
And albeit all that she's been through, I remembered very clearly how she consoled and encouraged when was I was left distraught over the news of her cancer.
It made me feel like I failed my duty as a daughter to her as I was always travelling.
Instead of blaming me, she told it's what Universe had planned for us and it is in our own grace to accept it.
Today, she's still that strong and resilient woman that I love, respect and look up to.
Yes, there has been many disagreements and frictions between our beliefs ever since my decision to leave the corporate world.
But I know deep down, she's just worried for me as a mother for her daughter as any other mother would.
I don't blame her for making the remarks that was hurtful. Instead, I'm choosing to reflect inwards on my actions to see what I can improve on to give her more assurance and confidence in what I'm doing.
As much as her words do affect me and I take a really long time to recover, I know for sure that every time I managed to come out of the negative spiral, I am a better and stronger daughter whom she can rely on.
So on this Mother's Day, I choose to keep my wishes to her in my heart.
And I seek for her forgiveness and understanding that I am unapologetically going to focus on myself from now on.
I know for sure she will never be reading this, and I am still going to say it anyway.
"I love you, Mummy. Thank you for always being that anchor in my life that I can turn to whenever I needed it. We may be living in tension and disagreement now. Give me time. I am working on myself and I am confident of where I am going with what I am doing. I am proud to be your daughter and I hope you are proud of me too. Happy Mother's Day 💚"
Love, your forever陈三岁
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