I'm sitting on my home work desk. Typing (obviously)
Lights off.
That close-to-a-decade air con humming.
My niece snoozing peacefully on the bed behind me.
And inside me, I'm overwhelmed with emotions.
Just an hour ago, when I was putting my niece to sleep, she wrapped her arm around my neck and whispered these sweet little words into my ears...
"Yiyi, you are my best friend"
I choked when I replied her the same and felt a tear roll down the side of my cheek.
At this point, I realised that I actually need her more than she needs me in her life.
Because before she was born, I never felt that I fit into any kind of situation and I was always the outcast in the family.
My presence didn't really matter to anyone and that whatever I do, I'm bound to be shot down.
Or that's what I thought.
As someone who lost friends who thought she could do life and grow old with, this little comment made me realised that I could, in my own will and power, be able to do life and grow old (while this young lady grow wiser) with someone. And this itself to me, is very powerful.
I never though I mattered to anyone; only to realise that I put my attention on the wrong people.
Those who mind, don't matter. Those who matter, don't mind.
Now it finally made sense to me why certain people were meant to stay in my life while some... are just characters of a certain chapters in my life.
They left great memories and lessons for me to look back and reflect on.
And these reflections made me a better person than I was before.
There's too many thoughts and revelation in the recent weeks
I've seen and heard so much that the need to digest whatever that I'm processing is real.
I've came to realised that while it's easy to see from one point of view, it takes so much more for one to be able to see from the other point of view.
And very few could do it.
We've always been quick at judging but slow when it comes to empathising.
Because of this, many miscommunications happen because we just allowed the noise inside our head make the judgement it think is right.
By letting these stories fill the void rather than finding the chance to feel this void and allow situation to turn for the worse is really.. sad.
So much pain and unnecessary hurt could have been avoided.
And with all these realisations, the energy that I need to will myself back to positivity is challenging. Really challenging.
Doubts and anxiety attacks started to surface in my head.
And there are certain parts of the day where I would want to stop whatever that I was doing and go back to the old self that I was.
And that thought made me wanted to puke.
Like after all that I've been through, how did I even had the audacity to want to go back to a life that I loathe?
That when friends whom I've caught up with recently were happy that I was living a much happier life and that I was doing whatever I was doing with passion.
I've allowed self limiting beliefs to creep it and nibble away that confidence that I've managed to gather for the past one year.
And I detested myself for that.
So I was glad that this conversation happened between my niece and I.
Because it just gave me the energy and power to cheer myself on.
That no matter how bad the day is, it was only a bad day.
And we all have bad days.
It's time to lift that head up, raise those eyebrows and lit up that smile on the face to go conquer the fears like a badass.
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